The taste of red wine reminds me so much of you,

the bitterness, covered by the subtle sweetness

lingering on my lips,

the same way you did...

Lately I just miss you... everything I do reminds me of one thing or another...

I have too many ghosts in this town....

The only advice,

I will ever try to follow. 

Yes I have what is considered an "addiction"

I remember how scared I was of you at first. You were like...You were like that ride at the carnival, everyone else was trying it, and  I so badly wanted to but --it scared the hell out of me. And I guess --somehow you convinced me to take the leap of faith, and as much as I hated the unknown,
I suppose that the words
"You jump, I jump Jack," rang true that night.
something I never would have thought could happen.

The coffee..it was uhm...something.
This insanely strange commonality between us. We could stay up for hours on end, just drinking coffee, sometimes with like sugar, honey, milk ,and remember that one time, you tried that crazy powder cream?? Jesus...I miss you....I miss the way we could talk about anything. Nothing with us was taboo.

I hate the way things fell apart between us. Now let me be clear, when I say "fell apart", I mean I hate teh way our relationship plummeted to earth, entering orbit at far to high of a speed and exploding in to a thousand tiny shards. So, I miss us, pre-meteorite explosion.

That night that I had made the decision to give you your necklace back... I remember asking Mykk if I should, and all he said was "You know what's in your heart. You know how much she's hurting you." and I did. I... I remember you opened your arms to give me a hug before I left the Hass with my mom, and I stuck the necklace in your palm and said "You made your decision." and walked away.
I spent that entire night crying. The only time I stopped was while I was sleeping, because the minute I had conscious thought, all the horrible things that happened between us and tore us apart, they came rushing back, and it hurt. It truly hurt. You texted saying you were sorry and I said "No, you're not. I'm sick of crying over someone that will never cry over me." and the thing that keeps me awake at night, wishing that the "what if's" would go away, because you said, "I have cried though. I have spent countless nights thinking about you and it hurts me too that I can't be with you! I cry too! I love you!" and I couldn't respond. I couldn't bring my self to let it hurt me any more than you already had.

I guess, I'm writing this to let it out. That's a story no one here really knows. That's the reason you hurt me so much. That's the reason you still do hurt me... Sometimes, I just wish I could erase you from my heart and my mind, because it's this holding on thats killing me....

So many things we could have said to save ourselves from this pain, so many things we could have done differently so we could understand where we are now. My cheeks burn in memories and pictures of days closer to your skin. You are a constant distraction hiding just under the surface of calm I manage to draw above me to pass through hours away. I do not recall the time and place, but somehow your pulse now warms me far better than miles of blankets ever have.

If this is a mistake, it just may be one worth walking into. Maybe I've got it all wrong, but from here you look like blue skies for months to keep this winter from cooling my pulse. I remember a time when love and happiness came to me in waves of passion I couldn't control.

Truth be told, these phone lines I can deal with. Of course I want to hold you, of course I want to see you everyday but just because I can't doesn't mean I'm going to give up on you. You don't see it the way i do, you tell me if we're meant to be we'll be together in the future.

I don't want another sad song to remind me of you. I want you to wake me up, call me, and say "Be with me, despite the distance, just be with me." I would be so happy to hear you say I love you.. Please be content with kisses over the phone.

It's not the distance that counts.
It's the love.

 A-
Your smile makes me melt. When my mind wanders it drifts to thoughts of you. When I dream you are there, as perfect as I could have ever hoped for. And though I know that you are not perfect, and that everything is more complicated than it seems, (and when I say complicated, dear god I mean complicated) I still love your smile. I love the way you hug me. It makes me feel so safe. When I hug you tighter its because I don’t want to let go. I wish things were simple. I wish I was brave. Maybe if I was I could tell you how your smile makes me feel. How it gives me butterflies, and makes me feel beautiful.

But I am not brave and things are never simple. I fear you will never see me the way I want you too. So for now all I can do is hug you tighter and go back to thinking of you. You and your smile.

I wonder...

what it will be like when I see you again.

There’s a battle in my mind between two hungry wolves.

one fights for love. one fights for hate.

I wonder.. what will it be like when you see me again.

I don’t know what it is about you
That makes me catch my breathe every time you look at me
The nerves that make me shake
Being near your body gives mine this magnetic pull towards you.
What it is about you?
I’ve been in love. I’ve been hurt from it, and I’ve felt like floating on a cloud from it.
I’ve been there. I’ve felt crazy feelings before. And I’ve had my share of “crushes” – but this, this is no childish crush.
I never fall for anyone like this. I’m so guarded. Too guarded. With SO many expectations because I learned that’s what will protect me.
I don’t know what it is about you
But I can’t find a flaw.
Because even your flaws to others, just make you an even more beautiful person to me. You are such a REAL person. You have passion in your soul. So gentle and so powerful at the same time. Your personality is stunning. You are exactly the kind of person I want in my life.
Is this what it is about you?
Is that what it is that makes me want to knock down every wall I’ve created? I’ll risk it all and never think twice.
This is what I want --
You.

Touch me,
it doesn't matter where
and it doesnt matter how
I need to know I'm still alive
so someone touch me now
Shake my hand and say hello
or pat me on the back
kiss me on the cheek
that I may feel this sense I lack
slap my face and pull my hair
make me bleed I just don't care
dig your nails into my skin
so I can feed this need within
I've been numb for such a time
that even pain would be sublime
so touch me, touch me now
i don't care where, I don't care how

A letter I'll never send...

Okay, I could make up some bullshit excuse as to why I'm messaging you, but I just don't have the energy any more. I spent all week since I got back from LA fighting with my self about whether to avoid you like the black plague, or try and act like nothing had changed for me. But truth be told...  like you... a lot. you make me giggle, and you make my heart beat fast, and I don't honestly know what the hell is going on... I don't want to like you. You're a great person, but I just can't...... I don't know I just feel like I am really not supposed to like you. But I do. And that's something I can't help. I can't help that your smile brightens my day, or that your hug makes me feel like my heart is going to pound straight through my chest and explode. I can't help that the stories you tell, about your past, or about things you've studied, I can't help that I want to listen to every word. I wish I knew how to tell you that I admire the way you dance to any type of music you hear, because I would never be brave enough to do so. I wish I could  tell you that your caring soul, your patience, and your amazingly beautiful personality shine through in everything you do, and my soul isn't the only one you've touched.  I don't know how to tell my self to just bottle up my feelings and put them aside because you are my teacher, and that you're well, you're 'Ladybug'. I wish I knew you better, so I could find come reason to NOT like you. (Right now I'm banking on the fact that you're straight?)  I feel like... I feel like somehow, just because I want to know you, even if that's all it is, --knowing you--, I'm already breaking a countless amount of my own rules... Ladybug, I wish I could say something to make up for the fact that you have to deal with a dumb kid like me express their "love" for you, but I can't... I'm sorry is all. I'm sorry I'll never send this. I'm sorry I'll never really tell you how I feel, but it's better this way. Here's to you Ladybug, I honestly hope you find some really bad ass guy that will make you happy cause your a really bad ass chick that deserves it.
Sincerely,
~Z

Seriously,
you really do.
You bite your lip, and smile in the most adorable way..
dammit you've got my heart beatin' fast,
prayin this will last....

It's the end of my sophomore year...and I'm scared. I don't want summer to be here. I don't want to lose the people that have kept me sane this year... I scared as hell that the minute I let go now that it's all  over, I'm going to go spiraling into what I was before, I can feel it... I'm scared but I'll put on a brave front. I'm hurt, but I'll act like I'm not. It all hurts so much....

But before I had even quite realized that I was attracted to her—well, I knew I was because I wanted to be more like her than I was like myself—the old terrible magic coalesced into the air, and I realized with a sort of shock what I wanted to do. Dear God, I wanted to put my hands on her as a trial, just as a test. I wanted to put a hand on her face or on her arm because I thought that if I did that, I would be so happy. I just wanted to feel her skin and I wanted to get at the soul underneath that muscle because I could smell it.

I have a habit of falling for the things that will destroy me in the end. 

This is peace. This is violence. This is seeking the entity that is me, and losing my self in everything I do. This is learning to come to terms, without always accepting, and making a stand for my crazy beliefs. This is taking the world head on, full of passion, never passivity. This is love, This is hate. This is changing the world one voice at a time. This is real. This is me. This is my life.

I love...

Relationships come with a lot of tribulations. We fight, we yell, we get jealous, we cry, we feel pain, we hurt, we scream, we get frustrated, we get angry, we get upset, we break up and our emotions take us over. So why do we do it? Why would we want to feel not just sad, but truly hurt, sad to the point where your whole body hurts just because of one person, sad to the point where you feel empty when everything falls apart, sad to the point where your heart aches for the company of that being. I’ll tell you why I do it, its because besides all those moments when your stupidity gets in the way of what your truly feeling and you “fight”, the moments when you are truly loving someone are the most touching, astounding, magnificent moments you will ever experience. When two people are just loving each other its magical. And to those of you who are to scared of getting hurt and too scared of the baggage that comes with relationships, let me tell you this, having someone you love and having them love you back is a feeling that you can not substitute. Having someone look at you with such a deep emotion is remarkable. Having someone touch with so much care brings a feeling of weightlessness throughout your whole body. Having someone whisper they love you feels like they screamed it. Having someone to hold your hand at all times just feels special. Having someone to be your best friend and be loyal to you and never lie to you feels so safe. So yeah, relationships suck, breaking up hurts, but having that someone that you feel so comfortable with, someone that you let inside your soul, someone that lets you inside theirs, someone to talk to at all hours during the day, someone to laugh with, someone to fall asleep with, having someone that is your other half for whatever amount of time you are together, is true beauty and I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

The moon. I have always been drawn to it. Connected, in some inexplicable way. A silent kinship. There’s the moon, asking to stay. All my life, I’ve regarded it with a solemn reverence. For the tempestuous storm it brews. The ebb and flow. Love, lust, and longing. Sorrow and anguish. Strength and hope. Brazen resilience. An image of change. Of life itself. Birth and death and rebirth. Continuous incontinuity. Everything amounts to this enormous beauty I know I will never fully be able to grasp. In all this, the moon reflects the heart of life. The kaleidoscope flux of the soul. The moon. It’s a cause for introspection. A mirror of who I have been, and a promise of who I can become.

I changed when you came into my life. Time and experience had left me rough around the edges. I learned to get on, without needing anything or anyone else. I never wanted to be different or try and be better for any other person. But then you happened. You showed me what it was to love. How beautiful it could be to share something like that with another person. And then I wanted to be better for you all of the time. For some reason, I was never able to do it. It took losing you for me to realise what an awful person I had become by the end of our relationship. I couldn’t see it then, the way I do now. The truth is that I mistreated you. I was selfish, unreasonable, and immature. You did not deserve it. I need you to know how sorry I am for who I was. I want you to know that I know I was unfair to you, and that I regret it deeply. For as much as I loved you, I never ever should have treated you the way I did. I am so sorry. I don’t know how or why I became that person, but she isn’t someone I would recognize now.

When our relationship ended, I found myself down a passage of self-reflection, the depth of which I had never before traversed. I had to come to terms with the faults and weaknesses I began to see within me. I realised that I had neglected a lot of people in my life. I had spent most of my life unable to see anything beyond my own stupid hang ups. I was so self-involved and intent on shutting out the rest of the world, that I had failed to give those I loved what they deserved from me. I don’t think I truly understood what guilt felt like until that point.

I used to think a lot about the people I didn't have in my life anymore. Of those, there were some that the circumstances of life took from me, and others that I let fall away. It was faith that made me believe that you would never become one of those people. I had spent too much time grieving over the ones who had left, and I reminded myself to be grateful for those that remained. I always tried to make sure I appreciated your presence in my life. I guess somewhere along the way, I lost sight of that. I’ve learned too much from life to ever make that mistake again. When we were together, it was because of you that I wanted to be a better person. Throughout your absence, that sentiment remains. And I owe it to you. You were always there for me. I don’t have words to express how much you’ve taught me about love, faith, and what it means to be a good person. Thank you.

The last thing I want to tell you is how much you meant to me. I will never forget our time together. You changed my life. And if I know anything at all, it’s that what we had was real. My love for you was true. And I loved you the best way I knew how. I haven’t said it with a lot of words or any poeticism, but there it is. As honest as I can say it.

Writing here
Cause there's nothing left here
For me to do
But please know that
I'm trying to make up for my mistakes
And you're moving on
With guilty memories
But I was wrong
To ever test us
This broken road is more than I can take

So this is the way that I'll tell you
That I'll leave you alone if you want me to
But I've had enough of this life alone
I'll give it up this time I know
I don't deserve to tell you that I love you
There's nothing in this world I'd take above you
I'm dead inside
Bring me back to life

I'll leave this note for you to read
So you won't forget that all I need is you
Is you!!
And the world is not so clear anymore
Since the day that you walked right out that door
I knew all I need is you

This is the way that I'll tell you
That I'll leave you alone if you want me to
But I've had enough of this life alone
I'll give it up this time I know
I don't deserve to tell you that I love you
There's nothing in this world I'd take above you
I'm dead inside
Bring me back to life

I looked you up today.
Or more,
I suppose,
found my friend,
who was friends with you...
it's funny to think that I've... liked you I suppose,
since the beginning of the year...
but because of all the things I repressed,
all the thoughts I ignored,
now I see...
you were there all along.
Maybe,
I should stop ignoring what I really feel,
and start to do things for me,
not any one else.

we can fuck forever,
but you'll never have my heart.
I'll give you my body,
my passion,
my skin,
my everything,
but my heart --
thats mine,
and mine alone.
I guess a one night stand,
is all I needed,
to get back to the all out --
passion --
that I'm after.

i like my body when it is with your

body. It is so quite new a thing.

Muscles better and nerves more.

i like your body. i like what it does,

i like its hows. i like to feel the spine

of your body and its bones, and the trembling

-firm-smooth ness and which i will

again and again and again

kiss, i like kissing this and that of you,

i like, slowly stroking the, shocking fuzz

of your electric fur, and what-is-it comes

over parting flesh … And eyes big love-crumbs,

and possibly i like the thrill

of under me you so quite new

I used her to get past you.
So I could stop hurting,
and let go.
But it got too far,
my heart --
got too involved,
now I'm hurt...
yet again,
asking my self the same question.
Why can't I ever fall for the right person?
I liked her
but I loved you,
now I hate you,
and don't know what to do,
with her.
Fuck.
It's all here again,
weighing the world on my shoulders,
and it just hurts...
loneliness fucking hurts....

You are not mine to lose,

but I still feel like I'm losing you...

Chemistry, chapter one; Rough Draft

'You feel your heart beat fast, and your palms are sweating and you only barely have the strength to pul those small raspy breathes in and out.' Poe slammed her pen down on her desk, fuming. She couldn't capture it. She couldn't even find the words to explain what Amy did to her, let alone form sentences about it. She glanced around the room taking small pride in the office she had made her self in the middle of her home centered around chaos. She tried to avoid to the clock because she knew it would only tell her it was far past eleven p.m. which was when she usually forced her self to at least go and lay down for a few hours. She ran her hand through her short black hair, sighing she picked up her cell phone checking the time, confirming her suspicions of it being past eleven. It was three a.m. and she knew if she did't go to bed now that she never would.
Poe walked out of her office, finishing a swig of coffee and leaving the cup on the counter. She double checked that the doors were all locked, not that it was a hard thing to do in her house, because the two bedrooms, one converted in to her office for writing, and the bathroom, were immediately visible from the front room. She walked in to her bedroom. without turning on the light she unzipped her jeans and left them on the floor by the wall, tossing her shirt and bra with them. Poe felt so many emotions as she fell, face first in to her king size down feather bed. Rolling over just slightly enough to climb under her covers, Poe let her mind wander back to the night before. What had left her mind in a jumble, not clear enough to even edit her psych paper that was due in the morning, and it left her body ih such a euphoric state that she spent the day with a smile on her face was so inexplicable. It all started that night that Poe had walked in to Amy's art studio, and all though Amy told her that they couldn't see each other again, something told her that she needed to go and see her again...
"Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!" screamed Poe to her empty house. She pulled on a tanktop and her jeans, grabbed her truck keys and left.


***


Amy ran her hands through her curly blande hair, sighing. She couldn't find her orange paint. The only color she needed to finish her painting, was missing. She climbed up the ladder to her loft above her studio and began to dig around her extra box of paint. Someone knocked on the door startling her out of her frenzy to find her things before she had to go to bed. It was already going on four a.m. and she had a class to teach at nine. Amy quickly climbed down the ladder and ran over to the door. She opened it up to a girl with short black hair in a tanktop and jeans standing there.
"Hey Amy...." The girl said quietly staring at the floor as if the gum stuck there was far more interesting than anything that could be happening in front of her. Amy could feel her heart beat fast with memories of the night they had spent together running through her mind.
"Poe..." was all she could manage.
"Look I know you said I shouldn't come back after what happened, but I just can't act like it didn't happen Amy." Poe looked up at her, her deep brown eyes meeting Amy's resilient blue ones. "I won't come in if you don't want me to, I totally understand, but hear me out." The strength in her voice was growing, the passion that they had shared giving her strength. "You and I both know that what we shared was great. Amazing. It can be a one time thing, a one night stand if you really want it to but I don't think you're that kind of person. I know you Amy. I know that the way you looked at me when you told me to leave, you were secretly begging me to stay. You can't tell me that you have no feelings for me. We've been dancing around this goddamned thing for months. You think I didn't see you looking at me every day in class?? Or that I didn't hear it in your voice when I talk about --" Amy stepped forward and grabbed Poe kissing her, and pulling her inside her flat.
"Dammit Poe..." said Amy, glaring at her. "This is insane. This is fucking insane, you know that right? Jesus Christ, you're insane!" Amy yelled looking ar her with a glint in her eye that Poe knew all too well. She was rethinking it all over again. Poe didn't hesitate as she grabbed Amy around the waist and kissed her with all the things that she had held in. The passion, the pain, the questioning of if it was right. If it would ever happen. It scared Poe as much as it scared Amy, but Poe was just crazy enough to act on it. And hopefully so was Amy.
Amy lost her self in Poe, the way she tasted, the way she felt. As wrong as Amy knew it was, she also knew there was not a chance in hell she could tell Poe no. Something about the way she smiled at her, or talked, or looked...or tasted. 'Jesus,' thought Amy, 'I must be going insane too!' She grabbed Poe's hand and led her to the shower, figuring she wouldn't get any time to shower later, so she might as well do it now, and enjoy it too.
Poe's swore she could feel her heart slamming in to her rib cage, and the only thing that seemed real to her was Amy's hand weighing her down to earth. Without Amy as an anchor, Poe was sure she would float away in to euphoria. She watched as Amy turned the shower on and turned her stereo up. Poe stepped forward sliding her hands around Amy's waist and kissed her softly, letting it all show. Letting her self be known to Amy. She slid her hands under Amy's shirt and pulled it off. She laughed slightly slipping off her own jeans , knowing that this wasn't supposed to happen again, but it would, and it did...
The night went on, Amy and Poe went between making love to sleepily taking showers together, and gently dosing off, only to wake in each others arms and make love all over again. For once, age was but a number, Poe had never been so scared to trust her self to someone, but somehow she couldn't stop touching Amy long enough to question what she was doing.


***

Poe woke to Amy's alarm on her watch going off. She pulled her arm from around Amy's waist and slipped off the bed. She grabbed Amy's watch off the night stand and shut off the alarm, tossing it on the desk as she walked to the bathroom in search of her jeans and tank-top. Poe pulled on her clothes and walked in to the kitchen making coffee for Amy, and checking the time. She had a nine 'o' clock class to make and the clock told her she only had an hour to do it.
Poe tip-toed back in to the bedroom with a cup of steaming coffee in hand and stopped in the door way to admire Amy's naked body sprawled across the bed. She was laying on her stomach and Poe smiled to her self as the light moved slightly with every inhale and exhale Amy made. Poe walked over and softly sat on the edge of the bed, gently rubbing Amy's back. "Hey there beautiful, I do believe that alarm meant you gotta wake up." Amy mumbled something unintelligible, and rolled over, pulling the blankets up around her shoulders.
She peeked an eye open and stared at Poe. "Mmm. Hi..." mumbled Amy, her voice ridden with sleep.
"I brought you coffee, hun..." Poe said quietly, motioning the cup towards her. Amy smiled slightly, sitting up. Poe felt her pulse speed up as the blanket fell off Amy, and the sun danced softly on her naked skin. Poe gently set the cup down and leaned in to Amy, pulling her in to a kiss. Amy sighed happily, and leaned in to Poe's lips. The innocent kiss quickly turned in to passionate kissing, which then turned in to Amy pulling Poe down and pinning her on the bed. Poe stared up at Amy, raising and eyebrow at her. Daring her to take it to the next level.
"Don't you have a class to teach at nine? If I recall correctly, right before you started begging me not to stop --" Amy covered her mouth with a hot kiss, conveying exactly what she thought about the class she was due to teach in an hour.
Poe pulled her tank top over her head and tossed it to the ground, and Amy slowly unbuttoned Poe's pants as she slowly planted warm kisses down her neck, stopping to softly bite and tease her breasts. Poe moaned lightly feeling Amy trace her body and pull her jeans off...

There's this part of me,

that's finally accepting,

that I have to grow up...

I can't go out and party any more...

I have to start looking at colleges,

and thinking about my

"future"

But -- 

truth be told.

I don't want to think about the future.

I just want to live,

love,

be.

In this,
Moment. 

I want to live.

Dear god I just want to live,

and finally not be alone,

and love to the extent that I never have,

and show the world that

true passion,

just pure passion for life

it really exists.

But instead,

I'll fil out my applications,

and fake a smile,

at the perfect acceptance letter....

Яawr??

You're picking me up tomorrow morning.
My heart is beating really fast,
and my palms are sweaty.
I was trying so hard to let you go,
and
BAM!
just like that,
you've got me wrapped around
your pretty little finger....
Goddammit Turtle...

Ladybug...

you make me wanna do just this.

Your so damn cute....

Love,

can you please,

take my hand.

Tell me it's all okay.

Ladybug,

you've got my heart beating fast,

hoping these butterflies last.

There's no doubt in my mind,

that I'd probly' be hard pressed to find -- 

someone quite like you...

lost in my mind with thoughts of you A....

Dear Ladybug...

Dear You --
I have a total, embarrassing, teenage crush on you. I think your cute. The way you talk, it flows. The way you smile, you kind of smile while puckering your lips, and its...adorable. You dance to any type of music you hear, wiggling around and smiling, as if you don't care who's watching... That day I did the Leap of Faith, I did because you showed up... Geez... You give me butterflies when you walk by, and I do my best to make up any excuse to see you... You told me I can come in and bother you any time... Did you mean it, or were you just saying it because... well I dunno, just because? I like your energy and it kinda makes me giddy. It makes me all giggly, and it makes me want to sit there and listen to you for as long as I could get away with it... My heart started to beat fast, and my pams actually got sweaty while we were standing in your room talking. You wanted to make sure I wasn't leaving monday, and you seemed genuinely happy that I wasn't leaving until tuesday, and you'd see me after the weekend...  I've got a total crush on you A....
Sincerely,
Me ;)

This is it..

The reason why you carry on.
Because even though you’ve had your heart broken so many times, over and over again, guy after guy or girl after girl, you find the strength to keep going.

It’s because when you find someone
At the supermarket
On the street
A friend of a friend
At your group of friends but you never noticed
On the bus, train, coffee shop, somewhere in the world,

For me, it was the day I looked at you in class,

and I knew that the butterflies in my tummy weren't from our basic ecology course....

When you find someone and your eyes crush, and your heart beats and your hands sweat and you don’t know what to say or what to do and you pray week after week just to be able to see that person again, time after time ’till you find the right amount of courage to just say hi, and say hi again, maybe have a conversation or just smile… I don't know how I could see you every day of school, all year, in my fifth hour biology, and then suddenly... I noticed. The way you smile. The way you dance to music, no matter what it was. The way you pucker your lips with that cute little smirk when you joke with people...

And that smile gives you butterflies.

In that moment when you realize that your ex? The one that broke your heart? That being is nothing when compared to this new person that you don’t even know but want to. Because you feel so much more with just one look that you felt in 2, 3, 4 months or years of kissing and touching. You need to know this person. Who might just be the one.

When small things make you the happiest person alive. When in truth, nothing else or no one else matters.

It’s called love. We all look for it and we all try again, even if our heart lies in pieces. We know there’s someone out there that can glue it. To perfection.

Yes, we have to be careful. The one who fixes your heart can break it too. And this time it is possible that no one can fix it.

You know this is the reason why you carry on

When you know it can hurt
But you take a leap of faith.

And you don’t care

All you see… is the chance to fall in love

and trust me baby...

thats a good thing 

Is that bad? >.<
Teehee...
you kinda keep me...
far more mesmerized,
than a person of such should.
But you see,
my quirky sunflower,
that you've got me,
from first glance, to a small splash of a smile,
that cute way --
you pucker your lips,
slightly sideways,
with such an innocent,
and adorable look on your face.
I'd never really guess
your age, right?
Probably because the maturity I see,
covers an expanse,
but apparently,
the childish things that
you can make me feel,
don't say your age whatsoever...
I am definitely...
crushing.

it would be easier than being alone,

and having to question if I can even trust you.

I hate that.

You can't even realize how much

I need someone.
But,

I guess I'll be fine,

after all,

I always was called

a great bullsh*tter.

I let it all get to me.

Like I always swore,

I never would.

All that leaves me is blank pages,

showers that won't make me

come clean.
I hate this feeling.
Like I did something so wrong.

Dear God,

save me please.

I'm looking for redemption. 

Don't touch me, don't fuck with me...

Don't touch me, 

don't fuck with me.

You realize,

that is the mantra you gave

a. fourteen. year. old. 

I was young. 

I was innocent.
I still believed there was good in the world,

and you came along

and tore apart my hopes --

and my dreams. 

I started covering up,

scared of what I was. 

A woman. 

Or, at least in your eyes,

an object.

I still walk,

with my knuckles turning white 

from clenching my knife --

Don't touch me, 

don't fuck with me. 

You are an asshole,

you have ruined my life. 

All I can say is a hope you rot in hell,

you deserve it
because you stained-- 

far more than my sheets.

Don't touch me, 

don't fuck with me. 

Wise words....

I hate that you didn’t try to keep in touch, I hate that you didn’t try to fight through the awkwardness of a break up. Did I really mean that little to you? I don’t understand how you can go from loving someone with your whole heart to never speaking with them again. You didn’t even try. That is what hurt worst. Sometimes I think about sending you a message but to say what? I miss you? I really loved you? Do you ever miss me? That won’t fix anything. So I don’t speak, and the phone works both ways, I’ve long given up any hope of hearing your voice again, seeing that smile. I’m just that girl you used to know, right? I haven’t tried to commit to a relationship since then. A real relationship anyway, I don’t know if I could handle getting that close to someone again....All that I know is I don't know how to be something you'll miss... 

My life seems to enjoy consistently reminding me that you and I could never be together, that you don’t want us to be together, and that I’m hopelessly into you. I couldn’t be anymore obvious with how I feel, as much as I try to squash it. I’m getting better at it and there is an end in sight, but the road getting there is rocky at best. I just want you to know that I’m trying, as hard as it is, because you are still important to me, even if things can’t be the way I’d like. Even when I push you away, though, I hope that you do know that you’re important to me. I’ll move on, but I won’t be able to forget everything. This will be a long, difficult goodbye -I suppose you’ve been trying to say goodbye for a while now, though I refused to let go initially – but you’ve got a friend in me, if you ever need one. I’m going to lose you completely soon enough, but that offer is withstanding. Really.

Maybe in another life. You always told me that you did this or that in another life... crazy adventures, and stories that I was always caught up in, bits and pieces of you slowly showing to me... So maybe, just maybe I can be one of those crazy stories, from another life...

I cant wait on you anymore. I love you dear god I really do, but I cant. You ask for space, I give you some and it just ends up pushing both of us away and now I dont know what to do. It leaves me in the dark, you shoving me away until you don't have to think of me, and me pulling back because I so badly don't want to hurt you. So I’m giving up. I’ve always been a really good quitter, but never when it came to you... I let you push me around emotionally and I cant take anymore of it. This isn’t how love is supposed to be. We're both supposed to be happy and loving towards each other and now I fear that you've just become to annoyed with me, you changed and now.... I’ve been sitting around waiting for you to talk to me, call me, text me, say you’re sorry but you haven’t. So this is it. It’s goodbye. It’s I love you, and I will always be there for you, but I cant. Its kinda sad how I will really truly always be waiting for you to come talk to me. But I guess thats how my love works. Its never ending. I love you…I’m sorry….I can’t anymore.
Yours always,
Stupid girl that unconditionally loves you.

Cold.
I feel so free.
Inside I feel the well of the ocean

and for once -- 

dear god, I can breathe.

The smell of salt,

it tickles my nose slightly. 

I like it.
Ocean.

Sometimes,

just sometimes,

I feel infinite. 

Just like the ocean. 

My mother takes everything I do for granted. I'll clean her house, cook her dinner, do her fucking laundry, and she STILL treats me as if I can't do a damned thing right. Honestly it's bull shit. Sometimes i wonder why the hell she even keeps me around, oh yeah, thats right, NOBODY FUCKING ELSE WILL PUT UP WITH HER BULLSHIT! Good god... I haven't used my fucking electric heater in weeks now and all she does is bitch at me, and say its all my fault because I always run my heater that the light bill went up. Honestly?? Jesus grow up. She keeps throwing shit in my face like that, when really its like, do I make it a point to tell her that we don't even have fucking food in the house and yet she will never go a goddamned day without a fucking beer. Really mom, really?? Those are your priorities? Good god, who's the real adult here...

jesus babe...

I miss you :/

Things lately aren't the same.

Ever since me and Her broke up,

things are harder --

mostly because...

I miss you.

And I'm lonely.

It hurts.

Still.

But I did let go of

the chances of us,

becoming an "us"

now I just want...

my friend back I suppose.

They all just want to be... known.

What more do I say?

They all want to be --

Pampered.

Told they are --

"Great!" and "fantastic!"

When all they do is

Slack. Breakdown to not doing

ANYTHING,

and blame it on

everyone else.

jesus...

its sickening.