Insomnia...

I often lay awake in my bed at night. I try to sleep, but Insomnia is my dark passenger tonight, and it wont let me go. I often wonder, why insomnia bothers me so; it thrives on any kind of thinking. "Dont think" I tell myself, but I refuse to listen, because insomnia also thrives on thinking about not thinking. Maybe I enjoy my thoughts too much to let them go, maybe im afraid to leave my thoughts alone, while I venture off into a dreamland that I can not explain, to even my own thoughts. "I will return to you, dear thoughts, but for now, please let me go." And like that, the light lets me go, and I am one with the darkness.

Oh dreams, why are you so cruel? Why do you create for me and only me the most wonderful of all places, why do you let me frolic in these places for what seems like hours, Why do you let me create my own world, my own fantasy.....only to take it all away from me once I wake? Why can I not remember you, in my waking life? Why are you so far away from me, subconscious? You live inside of me, yet you hide from me constantly. Oh dreams, why must you be so cruel? Let me remember this one dream, just this one time.

The best 10 minutes of sleep I get, is the 10 minutes I get after hitting the snooze button in the morning. "Just 10 more minutes, is all I need". Its impossible to go to sleep, and even harder to get out of its grasps in the morning. I need to let you go, sleep, for the day awaits. My journey isnt yet over, sometimes it feels like it hasnt even begun, and sometimes it feels like im not even on the journey anymore. Life gives you a Zig, when all you asked for was a Zag.

Perception is such a beautiful thing. where are you right now? Is there a floor beneath you? Of course there is...look at it. What your seeing with your eyes, is probably an area of 5-6 feet, max. Move your eyes from one point of the room you are in to another. Your eyes just traveled, 12-15 feet, max. Now look up. Your perception has changed. Just minutes ago, your reality was a floor, with an area about 5 feet. Now you look up, and your eye is looking at an amount of space you can not even fathom. Look at a point in the sky, right now. Now, drag your eyes across the night sky, to another point. Your eye just traveled a distance of over a million light years, maybe even a billion, maybe even a trillion. All of that space, was perceived by your eyes. The same eyes that could only look at an area on your wall which was only 15 feet across. And now, now you see everything. Thats life for you; you can see nothing, or you can see everything. It all depends on where you look and how you look at things.

Do you ever feel lonely? I feel lonely. It grows inside of me, like a blackhole, and sometimes I feel like I will no longer be able to control it and it will take over me. And than I stop, and I breathe. I walk away from whatever I am doing. I go outside and close my eyes. I hear the leaves rustling on the branches of the trees. They whisper to me. They say "you are here. You, are here." I feel the wind, it gives me a gentle hug as it floats on by. I take a step, and feel the earth push back at me against my feet. I open my eyes, slowly, for if I open them too fast I may not be able to bare the beauty that is in front of my eyes. I am still lonely, that fact hasnt changed. But such lonliness like this is ok, because I now believe I exist.

I exist